Usually when I talk to my kids its to share time. Plan trips. Play Mario Kart or trade pokemon. But occasionally my kids come to me for advice. There is only one subject I am qualified to advise them on. An area where I still search and fail miserably. It is something incredibly basic, and yet so difficult because of the way our minds are wired. How do I make my the pain stop when I do something uncomfortable? How can I get through a Walmart trip without becoming totally drained? How do I know when something is right? Am I the only one in the world that feels like this? Why are people comfortable living in the grey area? How can they ignore this.....thing????


And don't forget the all favorite, is it weird when I find wisdom in nerdom?


 
 
Man.... you can't buy anything anymore without extreme research. There is SO much out there. If you have money, its easy. You know at least know who the big dogs are. I am more middle-of-the-road. 


It was suggested that I get the Bose Soundlink Mini, but I was also looking at the Soundlink Color. Was also looking at tablets, and thinking about phones, since my upgrade is coming up. As it turned out, both the color and the Galaxy Tab I was looking at dropped in price the other day. At first I blamed Amazon, thinking it must be somehow finding out I was shopping around. The truth turned out to be that they just dropped in price on the same day...everywhere. So I saved some shipping and purchased at Best Buy.


It is all taking some adjustment. Bluetooth kinda freaked me out when I was listening to spotify with one device and when it got to some music I did not have in offline mode yet, it flipped to a device that did have it on offline mode.....


*adjusts her aluminum hat*


Various tablet pings and beeps woke me up all night. Hope there is a way to turn that off during the night. I hope I can find all the pings. I am still running down the old fashioned telephone ring.


Random pings and typing noises coming through the speaker ended up being something I liked. Freaks the cats right out. :)




and yeah, not only have I not taken down my Christmas decos, those glittery orange cat legs are from Halloween. 
 
 
The moment I realized this was not me anymore.


Priceless.
 
 
Yesterday, I was working on a budget, or more truely, figuring out my expenses. However, my brain is not a well oiled machine, especially in the winter. 


I am struggling with what things cost, what I can live without and how to deal with the healthcare marketplace. Thanks to fibromyalgia, I forget the names of things. I get overwelmed easily, I get distracted easily, and I am uncomfortable with what I am not familiar with. I am in a certain amount of chronic pain. 


In the background, Kelly was watching Parks and Recreation, which I have never watched, but apparently some of it was filtering in and it was really annoying me every time that one actor reminded me of Peter Quill. Then didn't. 


I finally went to the bank. I went to the branch I knew my IRA girl was at this week. It was downtown. They did not greet me when I walked in the door. I had to walk up to a desk where a couple employees were huddled over a computer screen. They would not call out my IRA girl because she did not have her own desk today, but if I would have a seat, and so forth. Long story short, it didn't get any better as the experience progressed.


My brain, my chemical makeup and possibly my medication weighs in, in all of this. I was serious when I said I needed a keeper. There are things I just need to happen and not have to see the details, ya know? 


It disrupts my calm.


Also, I have the spiritual belief that we -should- be open to 'distractions' in a general sense. I believe god can reach us through these things, well....through anything really. If we have the eyes to ears to see it.


Yesterday, someone posted that amazing Star Wars video by Lindsey Stirling and Peter Hollen. So this morning I turned on Spotify to find my playlist featuring both. However, a jewish playlist that my daughter sent me 2 months ago finally came in, so I listened to that. 


From there I went to email, and deleted almost everything. But when that jewish subscription I usually delete came up...well since I was distracting myself with Jewish music, I decided to take a look at that. Something about the first and last days of Passover, and I thought, is it easter time already. I looked it up, and no its not. 


So why am I here? Distracted paths usually lead somewhere. Because I am weird like that. I ended up having to struggle with my email to get it to connect, at least until I noticed the sidebar that said, "10 Absurdly Simple Ways to Live Higher." 


Now, I am not Jewish. My girls converted, and my granddaughter that will be living with us is a convert. When they converted, my ex laughed and asked when I was going to join. The question annoyed me at the time, because it made me realize that I was indeed a 'joiner'. This is when I really made an effort to just embrace the parts of faith that my heart is comfy with and turn it into my very own personal faith. 


Cult. Whatever.

Anyways, if you have my FB, you know I draw inspiration from many faiths, which include Catholicism, Paganism and everything in between. 


Today, its Judaism. Take a look at this. I believe there is wisdom in much is says, regardless of your belief system. Mitzvah is nothing more than a practice. Something you decide to do that raises your soul. And these are ridiculously simple. 


http://www.chabad.org/library/howto/wizard_cdo/aid/142434/jewish/Introduction.htm

The other thing I wanted to say: This is how my brain works. Things lead me to other things. Sometimes the distractions cause an overload. Other times, they lead me to wisdom, peace and creativity. Or a job. Or a cool way to help someone else. 


Point is, its hard for me to realize and accept that this is something I want to embrace. Perhaps control better, but in a way that does not completely stop it. I am not organized. I am not good with numbers. I forget the names of things. My favorite place in the whole universe is my bed. And I get distracted easily. Society wants me to change, to learn how to handle life better. But they are wrong. This is me, and there is a reason for it. 



 
 
This morning I vowed never again go to the downtown branch of my bank.

This afternoon I promised, again, to not be so self-depreciating. 

This evening I had a serious conversation with all my shoes. They just don't want to stay in the closet. I am not sure what to do about it.

This night, I have a three-legged cat to cuddle with.





Do not go gentle into that good night, 
Old age should burn and rage at close of day; 
Rage, rage against the dying of the light." 

~ Dylan Thomas
 
 
That moment when you realize you made the right alternative job decision:

When you spent a month worrying over it, made the decision, and the spot on, perfect, everything you were looking for job opportunity comes up, and its not too late to change your mind. 



That's the moment.